Live a Bold, Fearless Life

I want to share something super personal with you today.  So I'm writing this post as Megan (my real name), not as Alea.

I struggle with fear A LOT.  Seriously, all the time.  I get it when I have to do something outside of my normal routine; I get it when I have to write a fight scene (I'm super bad at describing them); I get it when I only have one chance to get something right.  You name it, I'm scared of it.  That's pretty much how it goes for me.

Since my freshman year in high school, a year after my parents divorced, I've had a strange urge to dye my hair copper red. I never did, but the desire would not let me go. I found myself hoarding pictures of red hair I liked and adding “someday this will be my hair” as captions. For some strange reason, I wanted to do this drastic, almost unheard-of thing.  Maybe it was because I wanted to become a “better version” of myself. I'm not really sure.  However, I never summed up the courage to actually do it.  I was scared of what others would think of me if I did, and I was scared that it wouldn't look good on me. (Mostly the first, though).

Just as a side note, I do like my natural
hair color.

So, it remained my secret desire tucked away in the corner of my mind where I only went when I dreamed of my ideal self.  In my imaginary redhead self, I was independent and unafraid to take risks.  In reality, I was slipping into a place of deep depression and anxiety, and I didn't run to God for help.  In fact, I didn't run to anyone for help.  I burrowed deep within my heart’s self-built walls to slowly die from the pain.

I stayed isolated until the summer before my senior year in high school, when I agreed to go on a mission trip to Peru.  My heart screamed at me not to go, but I could not bring myself to tell my mom and sister.  If I said something, they would see the fake that I was.  Part of me wanted to know God, but I did not feel His presence and never felt an urge to read the Bible.  On the second day of the trip, I met a woman with a fire inside of her that showed in the words she spoke and the glimmer in her eyes.  From the moment I first spoke to her, I knew I wanted that same fire.  She told me to ask God to reveal himself to me on the trip. Something about her motivated me to do just that.  While in Peru, God pressed on my heart the lie that I was living.  I was not really a Christian.  I struggled with God until July 4, 2017, when I surrendered my fear, depression, anxiety, and ultimately my life to the One who gave His life so I could live.

My ideal, “red-haired self” evolved from a “brave” girl to someone unashamed of her faith who boldly serves the Lord she loves with all her heart. Life is not about having a certain hair color, it is about living boldly. It is about blasting through my comfort zone and living completely for God. It is about making conscious decisions to make Him the center of my life and not being afraid to share it. It is about trusting God enough to help me go off to college and learn to be more independent. It is about stepping out of God’s way and not letting myself hold me back from what He has planned.

Now this essay--this mission statement--sounds great on paper (or on a computer screen).  It makes living out this lifestyle seem easy, doesn't it?  Haha, no.  I actually wrote this around September of last year just after I visited the college I want to go to. I actually used it (with a few modifications) as my college essay to submit to this college. I decided to live fearlessly months ago, but I never followed through.  I sunk back into the numbness.  (Going numb is my way of coping with difficult and scary things.  The problem with this is you don't feel anything--good or bad.)

Recently, I began reading Live Fearless by Sadie Robertson.  I'm halfway through it now and I relate so much to her.  In this book, she shares many of her struggles with intense fear (which are very similar to my own) and her ways of not letting fear get to her.  She shares how ultimately, we can't conquer fear on our own.  She really pours her heart into this book, and anyone who reads it can tell that her faith is authentic. Her story has encouraged me to begin my journey again.  I don't know what that will look like, but God has something amazing in store.

This morning (I wrote this post on Sunday), my pastor talked about getting ready to be used by God.  This is truly amazing because that's really what this journey is all about.

I hope this post can be an encouragement to you.  I want you to know that you're not alone in your fear and that as a Child of God, you can overcome it!  It takes a lot of work (hey, I'm only working on it), but it will be worth it.